A Narcissistic Parent Breeds Narcissism
Simply put, parents with high narcissistic traits hide their own feelings of shame, insecurity, and emotional dysregulation by controlling their children.
In some cases, the control is easy to see – i.e., physical abuse and verbal abuse.
A narcissist who is more subtle with their control tactics (a vulnerable narcissist) – control can manifest through overvaluation.
By controlling of their children, a highly narcissistic parent’s need for self-esteem is gratified – i.e., I’m in control and by making my kids look good, I look good.
Ironically this is the fertilizer that grows narcissistic traits.
Following are two ways the roots of narcissism develop.
1: Overvaluation
When parents excessively praise a child in a way that inflates their self-importance rather than fostering genuine self-worth. This can set unrealistic expectations and contribute to narcissistic traits.
Example of Overvaluation:
"You’re the smartest kid in your entire school! No one else is as talented as you. You’re going to be famous one day because you’re just better than everyone else!"
Why This is Overvaluation:
It exaggerates the child's abilities beyond realistic standards.
It implies that being better than others is the most important thing.
It fosters a fragile sense of self-worth, reliant on external validation.
A Healthier Alternative:
"You worked really hard on that project, and I’m proud of your dedication. Your creativity really shows!"
This focuses on effort and growth rather than inflated superiority.
2 : Abuse
Physical Abuse
Example:
"You better do what I say, or you’ll regret it!" (Followed by hitting, slapping, or other physical punishment.)
How This Links to Narcissism:
The child learns that power and control equal safety.
They may develop aggressive or domineering traits to avoid feeling weak or victimized.
They might suppress vulnerability and adopt a tough, unemotional exterior.
Verbal Abuse
Example:
"You’re worthless! You’ll never amount to anything!"
How This Links to Narcissism:
Constant criticism leads to deep shame and insecurity, which the child may later mask with grandiosity.
They may seek validation through achievements or dominance over others.
They might develop a hypersensitivity to criticism and react with rage or defensiveness.
Sexual Abuse
Example:
"This is our little secret. If you tell anyone, no one will believe you."
How This Links to Narcissism:
Creates intense shame, powerlessness, and dissociation from emotions.
Some survivors overcompensate by becoming controlling, seductive, or manipulative to regain a sense of power.
Trust issues and emotional detachment can lead to difficulty forming healthy relationships.
Emotional Neglect
Example:
"Stop crying. I don’t have time for your problems."
How This Links to Narcissism:
The child learns that their emotions are unimportant or a burden.
They may shut down their own emotional needs and focus on external validation instead.
They might develop a false self—a persona that seeks admiration but hides deep emptiness.
Physical Neglect
Example:
"You can figure out dinner yourself. I’m busy." (When neglect is chronic, not occasional.)
How This Links to Narcissism:
The child learns that no one will take care of them, so they must prioritize self-preservation.
This can lead to self-centeredness and a lack of empathy for others’ needs.
They may overvalue independence and struggle with emotional intimacy.
Conclusion:
While not all individuals exposed to these experiences develop narcissistic traits, these forms of abuse and neglect can create a deep sense of shame, insecurity, and emotional dysregulation. To cope, some individuals develop narcissistic defenses—grandiosity, entitlement, control, or emotional detachment—to protect themselves from vulnerability.
Once you realize the trouble in your relationship is that you are with someone with high narcissistic traits, understanding why they are the way they are helps you stop trying to make yourself into someone they need you to be. A good resource book.
Learning about the narcissist helps you heal.
If you’re in a trauma bonded relationship with a narcissist, finding the right therapist in Los Angeles can feel overwhelming. Let’s make it easier. Schedule a free consultation to see if we’re the right fit. If there’s not an available time that works, email cynthia@cynthiaeddings.com, and we’ll find a time that does. I specialize in narcissistic abuse in Los Angeles.